On the Day That She Was Born

 On the Day That She Was Born

As Della's first birthday has been approaching, my heart often jolts as I think it through-- has it really been a year already? The day Della was born was like no other, and I knew I needed to write about it. However, I was quite busy in the beginning with caring for a newborn, and I slowly felt the opportunity to write about it slipping from me, adding to the long list of things I didn't quite get to this year. Unlike many things on that list, this is something that I felt needed to be done, a story that had to be told. What better day to tell it then on her very first birthday? If I was given the opportunity, I would go back and relive that day. There was pain, yes, but there was nothing like meeting my baby for the first time, watching her daddy fall in love with her, and celebrating life with all my loved ones. So, I've had the year to let the best parts of the story stick, and this is my way of reliving it.

 

 July 12th, Cow Appreciation Day, 7pm 

After coming home from Chick-fil-A dressed as a cow and feeling like one as well, I laid in my recliner and asked Alex to come sit next to me. We decided to watch 24 on Netflix, but I had a lot on my heart. I felt Alex needed to know every last detail, naturally, so we paused to discuss these concerns. I listed the following concerns to Alex: I was tired of waiting, and my curiosity was killing me. I already knew and loved her, cherished every kick and movement, but there was still so much mystery to her. What would she look like? What kind of baby would she be? She was mine, and I wanted to know her more. Also, I was incredibly uncomfortable, barely able to walk, and the next day was only the first day Della could come without being premature. It could be like this another five weeks, I lamented. I was so tired of having to rely on Alex for everything-- when things fell on the floor while he was at work, they stayed there until he got home. Knowing Alex didn't quite know what to do with my panic rambling, I told him what I needed. I needed him to pray for peace. He did, and I allowed myself to focus on trusting God, to relax and give Him these concerns. It worked and I was breathing easier, calm for the moment and ready to watch some 24. Until I had to go to the bathroom, which felt like every three seconds in those days. 

 I waddled to the bathroom and came back to the living room with interesting news. "I know everything is weird now that I am this pregnant, but my water might have just broken." No way, we thought, and decided to watch more 24. Then, it became more obvious, and all we could do was laugh. I called my older sister, Allison, and she and her family were headed to Chick-fil-A. "I need to go to the hospital, right?" I asked. My birthing class was scheduled for the next day, so I felt that I knew nothing and needed confirmation. She said yes and couldn't figure out what to do because her girls were dressed like cows and were really excited about it. I laughed and said that she could take her time, it could be hours, and I wasn't having contractions. I was oddly calm about it all, maybe because Alex was bouncing around with enough nervous energy to power our house. He called his mom and asked what he should bring to the hospital as I called my mom while packing my bag and Della's. As he rushed around, he kept pausing and announcing with a giddy smile that we were going to have a baby. The excitement I felt was quiet, hard to express in the moment. I was gearing up for what could be difficult, but I was accessing inner strength I knew God had given me. I felt a peaceful anticipation, soaking in every detail of each moment, knowing it would be one of the most important days of my life. 

An hour later when we finally hit the road, I asked Alex to pray for continued peace. I closed my eyes; Alex left his open, like a questionable Christian but a responsible driver. When I opened my eyes, I was astounded by a beautiful double rainbow in the sky. What does it mean? I asked myself. I interpreted it right away as a promise, that everything would be ok. Instant peace. I put on the song, "Your love never fails," a song I'd listened to throughout my pregnancy, as that had been the song playing loud in my head at four in the morning when I took the pregnancy test: You make all things work together for my good. I put on make up, too, because of social media. When we arrived, I took a picture of Alex in front of the rainbow (not double in this picture). In front of the emergency room, four or five staff members were standing outside marveling at the sky, which hopefully meant it was a slow night.  It certainly added to the surreality of the night.

 They took me into a room with a nurse, Jessica, that Alex actually knows, because Alex knows everybody. Jessica used to make meals for the Sparrow's Nest, the homeless ministry where Alex works. After confirming that my water did break, and that it's possible it broke earlier in the day (pregnancy is weird, y'all), she said it was go time and that we would probably be holding our little girl in the next 12 hours. The joy and excitement that rushed into my heart in that moment pushed all the fear right out. We looked at each other with huge eyes and wide smiles, and as she walked out to get a wheelchair, our excitement spilled out as we hugged and acknowledged with each other that this was really it. 

July 13th, 12 am 

Several hours later I was waddling up and down the halls of St. Mary's no longer in my cow outfit, but instead sporting a blue robe accented by a cart full of medical equipment that I dragged behind me. They'd given me pitocin, and I didn't much like the idea of writhing in pain on an uncomfortable bed, so instead Alex walked with me while I writhed in the hallway. My sister had come and gone, collecting a few things we wanted from our house and knowingly leaving us alone because this was clearly the perfect setup for a romantic date. I am grateful for the time with him, though, because he was already dad of the year, making sure I was comfortable and distracting me from the contractions. He had even read not to crack jokes during labor, so he was very sensitive. I decided to sit on a birthing ball because its sister, the exercise ball, was always so fun to play on as a kid. It helped a bit, but not as much as Alex praying with me and listening to "You love never fails" on repeat. I clung to the words, When the oceans rage,/ I don't have to be afraid/ because I know that you love me/ Your love never fails. The song brought forth a strength I knew God had provided. 

When the real pain finally hit, I had just requested an epidural. The contractions hit me hard like waves for the next hour. As soon as I'd catch my breath, another would pummel me, stronger than the first. I sang the song in my heart, The wind is strong and the water's deep,/ but I'm not alone here in these open seas. I felt God's presence, a strength in my moment of weakness. New hope sang out to me with yet another line, There may be pain in the night/ but joy comes in the morning. Focus on the morning, I reminded myself. I remember thinking that labor was so different than I'd seen in the movies. I never screamed, and I didn't cuss my husband out. Alex stayed by my left side where I hugged him through the contractions- he tried to move to my right at one point and I quickly let him know that was not okay. My mom and sister were there now, reading the screen and letting me know when I made it through a really tough contraction. They cheered me on, telling me I was doing great, and their encouragement helped me all the more. 

Finally, a man that showed absolutely no personality at all came to give me an epidural. That was fine, I wasn't in the mood for small talk. At one point, I pitifully moaned, "I can't do this anymore." When the man asked very seriously if I was referring to the epidural, I made it clear that getting the epidural was about the only thing I wanted to do. He read a long list of awful things that could happen because of the epidural and then made me hunch over my beachball belly for too long. He also told my mom and sister to get out. I would never invite this man to a party. Even so, he was my favorite person in the world a few minutes later. With a break from the pain, I was ready again, and so was Della. 

They called the doctor in. It took Dr. Halbach a while to get to the hospital, and the nurses told me to go ahead and push. I pushed once and they frantically told me not to push. Dr. Halbach got there sometime after 3 am explaining that she had been locked out, and she needed to change clothes. While I waited, I thought about how wonderful the nursing staff had been. The experience fully convinced me that nurses are literal saints, and their bedside manner was what really mattered. They took care of me so kindly, and I am so grateful for them. When Dr. Halbach came in, she was amazed at how quickly everything had gone. She briefly explained some technique for pushing, and I was ready. I put every ounce of strength into those minutes. At one point, Alex seemed concerned and asked how long it might take. We hadn't been to a class, and he was afraid it was taking too long. Dr. Halbach responded, "It's really up to her," meaning me. I took that as a personal challenge. With each push, Alex, my mom, and my sister encouraged me. The excitement in their voices translated to more energy for me. My time was 8 minutes. Apparently, Alex's concerns were unfounded. 

July 13th, 3:51 am 

 I'd had two requests for Della's birth. I wanted them to lay her on my bare skin after having her, and I wanted them to leave the umbilical cord for a minute because I read articles about the benefits of immediate skin to skin touch and delayed cord clamping. I didn't get either, and it doesn't matter at all because the doctor saved the day. Della had the umbilical cord wrapped around her, so she cut it off immediately. I was covered in blankets because I was strangely cold, so they laid Della on the blanket over my chest, where we were face to face. Nothing else mattered in that moment. I know there were other conversations and activity in the room, but I was zeroed in on her alone. Her beauty and familiarity left me speechless. I had longed to see her face, see what only God had seen in secret when he was forming her in my womb. With this mystery revealed, I was in awe. At the same time, I thought to myself, Of course she looks like this. Of course. I murmured, "Oh, she's beautiful," marveling at each of her features, noticing her likeness to me and her daddy and a beauty that was all her own. 

So many thoughts existed in my head at the same time in those few minutes, though there was a clarity about it all that I'd never known. I felt my heart open right there in the room, and in her tiny face I saw hope and a future. I could not have been prepared for the love I felt and all that God was teaching me about His unconditional love in that moment. As I fell deeper in love with her, I also fell deeper in love with Alex, as Della grabbed his finger with her tiny hand and tears filled his eyes. Amongst so many strong emotions, overwhelming thankfulness emerged as I surveyed the scene and heard the song once again, You make all things work together for my good. 

The Next Few Days

During our time bonding after she was born, I had plenty of time to gaze at her and reflect. She was so tiny and yet she had the capacity to stretch my heart out to the point I thought it would surely pop. I learned that a mother's stretching moves from the belly to the heart after a baby is born. I heard once that love doesn't run out like money, love grows more love. Love grew in the whole family as each and every family member came to visit, as well as many good friends. I should have been tired, but I must have had a lot of adrenaline left over because I barely slept the next few days, too excited about bonding with her and watching as others came to love her, too. Maybe I was excited because I witnessed a glimpse of heaven meeting earth, as Della's arrival brought with it a sacred joy and newness. As surely as God breathed new life into her, he breathed new life into me as well.

One year later